Many of my clients tell me they have a hard time communicating with their significant others. Come to think of it, I have heard many of my friends and family members say the same thing. And don’t I know it! I have sometimes wondered how my husband and I are from the same planet. I totally could get that men are from mars and women are from venus.
One common complaint I hear from clients who have anxiety, depression, or other emotional difficulties is that their spouse does not “get it”. And how can they be with someone who just doesn’t seem to care or comprehend the way they feel? It can feel very lonely.
But I have good news. No one is alone.
I laugh when I think of a conversation my mom and I once had about guilt. We were talking about how we both struggle with feeling guilty a lot. My mom and I were wondering why some people are more prone to guilt than others. So my mom asked my dad if he ever feels guilty. His answer? “Not that I recall.”
Not that I recall? This made me burst out laughing! The man doesn’t feel guilt? Or at least not that he recalls? How can I even relate to a person like this?
I am coming up on my second wedding anniversary, and I think it is probably true what they say about the first year being a hard year. I would not even say that my husband and I have learned how to communicate better during this second year. We have learned to understand each other. We can see each other’s light in the darkness.
(My husband and me this past Easter Sunday with our new puppy, Prudence)
When I feel my husband does not understand me, I feel lonely. But as a therapist, I know that feelings are not facts. Just because I feel lonely does not mean I am alone.
I think about the times in my life when I felt very lonely. I felt misunderstood. I got stuck in a negative mindset and could not find my way out of it. I think about how God was with me all of those times even if I did not feel it. I did not feel it, because I refused to communicate in his way.
I could not divorce God because I felt he did not understand me. God would not sign the divorce papers. I could not (although I tried) throw a hissy fit because God was not responding the way I wanted him too. He did not respond to my hissy fit. I could not leave God because I hated him. He did not hate me. I could not give up on God because I felt he did not understand. He would not give up on me.
Many times as human beings we give up on others, because they do not respond the way we want them to respond. Maybe it is time to communicate differently. It reminds me of the saying, don’t try harder, try different.
I had to learn how to get in touch with God in a different way. God does not respond how I want him to when I am acting from my depression, anxiety, or guilt. If he did, he would be making it all real. And I am so thankful for that. The miracle of God is he sees the true me.
My dad does not respond to guilt, because he does not know guilt. That does not mean my mom is going to leave him. That would be insane.
We need to learn from those who do not seem to understand us. They may have something to teach us. Someone who can look through all of our craziness and see the real us, sees us as God does. This is true love, “the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge” (Ephesians 3:19).
Love always prevails. A Course in Miracles says the only thing that was ever real in any situation was the love that existed. You can start recognizing that love now.
Start to do things to become more peaceful. Start to appreciate everything good in your life. Then you will be speaking God’s language, and you and God will finally be able to understand each other. You will start to hear and see God in everyone you meet. Then you will realize you were never alone. You were never misunderstood by anyone. You were the one who was misunderstanding. The true you is here now and home in love and God.
The awesome thing is now I do not feel I have to find the perfect words to speak to God. I just have to figure out how to stand in his presence. The same goes for my husband, and yours. 😉
Peace, Love, and Understanding,
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